College with Chronic Illness (Repost)

So I sort of accidently deleted this from my blog... so this is just reposting. Thank you internet for never really deleting things! This is just a direct copy and paste. Its only been a year since my last post.. but I do plan on posting something new soon!

Originally posted December 6, 2013

If you're attempting college, no matter if it's one class or four, and you have a chronic illness, then clearly you have gained some of your energy back. The question is, how long will it last? Nobody knows. When we talk about spoons, it's an approximation. Only we know how much energy we have for the day, but there is a large chance we'll overestimate our ability. I mean, at least I do. College with a chronic illness like ME/CFS is tricky because you don't have room to overestimate your ability. I've said so many times that you can't push back with this illness; There is no pushing through the exhaustion unless you want to end up worse off than you already are. I get upset when I'm told I just need to learn to pace myself because I don't want to have to think about how I use my energy. I don't want to be sick. I hate being tired at 7:30 at night. I long for the day when I'm healthy again; I just want to be normal. Most of all, I don't want to be in college forever. It's so frustrating not being able to take a full course load because I don't know if I'll have the ability to attend class everyday. I can't rely on the fact that RIGHT NOW I'm okay. At the beginning of the semester I was like, "Let's get this show on the road! I can do this in my sleep! Should have taken four classes!" But by the end I was more like, "Dear lord just let me PASS each class." You can't imagine how discouraging this is... It's not that the classes were challenging, it's that my exhaustion suddenly spiked and my energy dropped.

I think for a moment I forgot I was chronically ill. I forgot what it felt like to put in so much effort to do anything, even getting off the couch. I forgot the feeling of blood pooled in my legs followed by an unexpected collision with the ground. I forgot the headaches, the pains, the sleep problems, the brain fog, the exhaustion, and everything else that used to plague me daily. I'm lucky to have recovered to the point that I am now... It still sucks, but it just sucks a little less. 

If you're able to accomplish anything after spending two and a half years of your life at home, unable to be productive, then it is a major triumph. My semester ended yesterday and I'm proud of being able to sit in a classroom for up to four hours and comprehend what is being said. I'm proud because I know I did my best regardless of my illness. I've never been so happy about an A before because in middle school and high school grades came easily to me, but this time I had to work against the brain fog and fatigue for these ones.