Everyone knows that feeling when you can't remember something and it bugs you like crazy until you remember. Lately my brain fog (or cognitive problems my mom said I should call it) has increased and I have to strain to remember what I ate for breakfast. I always assume I'll remember things and think, "Na i don't have to write it down, I'll remember." Even right now I can't exactly remember what I wanted to say even though I know there was something... I think my brain says, "La la la" more than anything. WELCOME TO LALA LAND! thats where my brain is! haha and trust me I'm not acting it because it drives me crazy! now what was I saying?
Adjusting to life with CFS is quite difficult. At first when my doctor told me I had CFS I didn't really take it seriously. Yeah right, Chronic Fatigue? Headaches, migraines, dizziness, nausea, insomnia, muscle pains, othrostatic intolerence, irritation of light and sound, anxiety, bloating, random aches, weight gain, brain "fog", tiredness of course, and so many other things to deal with. With CFS, you have to try five times harder to get out of bed, to get lunch, do to pretty much any activity at all. Its really hard for people to understand because when i do go out I look normal. Several meds, 2 liters of water, disgusting electrolyte filled powerade, and half my energy is what gets me out of the house. Oh and totally random but apparently my hyper-moblitly plays a part in it too! Something about adreneline and flexibily.. but according to my PT I just need to strengthen my core and all problems will be solved! Lovely right? :) ha.
I don't like getting on Facebook anymore because its like while my life has been put on hold, everyone else continued. Its like I lost the remote to my life, the control, and unfortunately I'm on pause. I like planning things so not knowing whats next drives me insane. I know that I'm most likely not returning to high school next year but instead I'll get my GED and get on with life. Why waste time and energy that I don't have trying to graduate. There is no way I'd be able to graduate may 2013 unless i had a miraculous recovery and became a super child over night. I don't know when that will happen though because like i said, its hard to remember or concentrate at this point. I hate the things I will miss like graduation and senior year, but at this point I really just want to get on with it.
Remembering Life without being sick is like watching a whole different person. That girl could go 90 mile per hour all week long and recover quickly on the weekends. Now I go maybe 15 mph? strange comparison but its true; My body is completely different now. I remember the feeling of being able to do whatever I wanted. I could do things I didn't necessarily want to do, but the point is that I could do them. I know I have good days where I'm able to go out; the lovely days of freedom! Most of the times I've gone out I've been in my wheelchair and I get the what-the-heck-is-she-doing-in-a-wheelchair look. Every time I've seen people I know I'm not in my wheelchair and so they look confused because I'm suposed to be so sick I can't go to school. Ahhh! I swear I'm sick but if you want an explaination you have to read my blog!!
Sorry if my thoughts seemed a bit scattered... focus issues and the la la la-ing in my head distracts me :) Oh and Happy mother's day to all the Moms out there! espcially my mom who helps me deal with having CFS. She's wonderful and keeps me going every day!
