Life with M.E. today... I CANNOT BRAIN TODAY.

ATTENTION ISSUES TODAY AND COULDN'T THINK OF A TITLE. So now that I got you reading, Hey :)

Today is difficult. My class graduated today and its so weird seeing pictures and knowing I should have been there. My life got messed up and there was nothing I could have done to change that. I was too far behind I couldn't have made up the credits to graduate with them anyways. I've already accepted this, but it still stings to not be there. Sometimes I feel like I should have fought harder to stay in school, or that I gave up too easily, but with ME/CFS you can't fight it. You get to the point where your body physically won't let you and I have to try and remember this. I didn't have the energy and strength I have today. Sometimes when people ask if I'm graduating this year I just don't even want to answer. I mean some people give me the weirdest looks when I say I got my GED. I have the urge to yell, "I WAS an AP/honors student with a 4.0 gpa, but my medical conditions got in the way! So don't give me that look!" People will judge or jump to conclusions and that's their problem. Psh. they don't know my life! I just have to remember that though and keep it in mind when I don't quite understand someone else's situation.  

Anyways, life now... sitting at home now that I'm getting better is insufferable. I seriously can't stand it. I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy! I'm caught in this awkward place where I'm getting better, but I'm still prone to crashes. I'm not sure I'll ever be 100% but that's the chronic aspect of it all. BLAH. I'm still at a place where this would be my reaction to 4 classes next semester or joining athletics or getting a job or you know, try being a normal college student

(from http://lifeonpause123.tumblr.com/post/51174711983/my-doctors-when-i-tell-them-im-going-to-play-soccer)


I don't really know what to say, but people keep asking me when I'm going to write on my blog again! Lets see... Latest achievements: Got my license (scary though!), Got an A in my first College class... yup I think that's it! Compared to where I was last year, I am so much better and I am so grateful because I know there are people who have had this for YEARS. I can't imagine having this for 7 years...

 

And this is what its like trying to say "MYALGIC ENCEPHALOMYELITIS"

I just thought this was fitting.

Sorry off topic again! Man, I have the attention span of a fly today. That CFS for ya. Okay lets try and organize my life so I can tell you what's up

 

Education:

Looks like I'm able to stay at Arapahoe and get an associates in business and it transfers smoothly to CSU or Metro or wherever. Darn. I want my independence! I love my Mom though, I don't know how I could live without her! I think I'm going to try taking 3 classes next semester! WHOO! ...at this rate I won't get done with the first "two years" for another 4 years :P Hopefully, I'll continue to get better and be able to speed things up! Assuming I get my attention span back...its a legit problem at the moment.

 

Social:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

Health:

I really am getting so much better! I mean I was able to go to prom in heels and not die! I'm capable of driving now..sorta :) and I can go to school! which is the most exciting. People take school for granted and they're like, "schools so boring! you're so lucky you get to stay home all day!" NO. shut your mouth. please. If you've read the spoon theory, then you can at least try ME/CFS sufferers issues with energy. If you haven't, its basically an article comparing energy levels to spoons and you only have so many spoons but eating and moving  and anything involving energy take away spoons. http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ there is the link for it if you want to actually read it but its long and I honestly just skimmed it so I hope its the right one...

 

Plans for Summer:

Well I might be going to Arizona soon, but that's all I think! I wanted to get a job, HA, but that's a joke considering standing for 8 hours isn't really an option. Hopefully, I'm approved for Work Study in the Fall though! Sometimes I think I can do more than I really can.

 

Although I'm sad I wasn't there with the rest of my class to  graduate, I'm not as sad or upset as I thought I'd be. I though it was going to be torture, but I'm actually okay and really happy for everyone! Four years you anticipate this day and pray to God you make it. Now its here and I'm proud of all my friends. :) Good job guys. For anyone going into high school soon, don't waist it. Right now, graduation seems so far away and you think you have time, but those four years will fly by. At least try and don't let anything hold you back (because you don't think its cool, because your friends will make fun of you, etc.) My time got cut short right as I was about to try the things I wanted (Drama, clubs, track or tennis) and I regret not doing them from the beginning! I guess if you're sick you don't have that problem though, in which case don't sweat school. you'll move on some how! even if you don't graduate, its not the end of the world! and life will get better one day. I know its hard to stay positive sometimes... I really do, but as one of my ME/CFS friends said, we gotta look for the silver lining.